I've turned to this blog many times in the past four years (!!!) - for happy and not-so occasions. Today, I'm sitting down to write whatever comes to mind as I've just been puttering around the loft, flipping open cookbooks, shuffling things around. Not really able to focus on getting the things I need to accomplish done.
A year ago today, my dad passed away at the age of 78 from lung cancer.
Dates like today start building up in your head a few weeks before they creep up on you. The feeling of tension, mindlessness, not being able to pay close attention. I've been through it all before. Recently. Too recently, I often think.
As it was when my mom died three years ago now, the days leading up to the anniversary are way worse than the actual day. Yesterday, I woke up crying and had fits of it all day. Today, however, is just quiet. Pensive. Reflective.
How do I feel today? I miss my family. I'm my parents' only child and have started out on a premature journey to make my own way all by myself. It's lonely sometimes, I can't lie. It's hard sometimes, too. It's the natural order, however - you're supposed to outlive your parents. Grieve the loss of them. Build your own life and honor theirs.
That's what I'm doing. I feel more adult now than I did a year ago. More responsible, more patient. Certainly more focused on my career and this blog. I'm still ridiculously blessed with fabulous friends who today, like every other milestone day in a process that some of them are quite familiar with, reach out to me from wherever they are to support me. I've also lucked upon an incredible partner with whom I am building that life - and it's magic.
So today, while there is a certain grey haze on the day, there is also an overwhelming feeling of gratitude - to my parents for making me who I am and to my friends for letting me be that person. All of you - with me in body, spirit, or both - have my heart.
(photo taken at the Nashville Farmer's Market. why this photo? i dunno - it made me happy today)
